


Little Things

by oddoblivion



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Comfort, Existential Crisis, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2014-12-02
Packaged: 2018-02-27 20:07:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2704946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddoblivion/pseuds/oddoblivion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil have a great relationship, but Dan’s having another existential crisis. Phil tries to help him get through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Things

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I’m not a native English speaker therefore my English isn’t perfect. If you see any mistakes, weird use of words or anything’s unclear, tell me about it.   
> Enjoy! :)

"Hi, mom. I'm sorry, but I can't come home on your birthday...no, nothing happened, I'm just sick, I don't feel like going anywhere. I don't want you or dad to be sick too…yeah...okay, thank you. I'll come next week, yeah. Sure. I will. I love you too, mom, bye." 

Phil hanged up. He looked at the door of Dan's bedroom. He closed his eyes while trying to make up his mind. He couldn't tell his mother that Dan's having another existential crisis and he needs Phil. Of course Dan would never say that, but Phil knew. He couldn't just left Dan alone in London and go on his mom's birthday party. He wouldn't feel okay with that and he'd be mad at himself. 

After a while he decided to make a hot chocolate for his boyfriend. A few minutes later Phil slowly opened bedroom's door. He walked in, left a mug on a table next to bed and sat down. Dan was lying with his face turned towards the window. 

"Dan?" Phil started "I brought you hot chocolate" he said softly. No response. Dan wasn't asleep, his eyes were open, but he ignored Phil, just staring in one spot. "Dan..." Phil tried again. "Talk to me, please". Phil was sitting like that maybe ten minutes. Finally he decided to leave Dan for a while. 

Phil started to edit his new video, but everything was going wrong and he gave up. He went back to the bedroom. As he walked in, he found Dan sitting on the bed and drinking hot chocolate. Dan looked at him, but two seconds later he returned to staring down on his own legs. 

"Hey" said Phil and sat down in front of the boy. "Is it okay?" he asked. 

"7/10" Dan muttered. 

Phil smiled and gently touched Dan's knee. "I'm worry about you, bear". 

Dan didn't say anything, sipping his drink. 

"I need you to know that I-" Dan hushed Phil. He put down his mug and sighed. 

"Phil... We live together for over 3 years now. You know I'll be okay. Just leave me here" Dan said, giving Phil a quick look. 

"I know you'll be okay, but I want to help you with that. Let me, please." 

Dan sighed again and hid his face in his hands. 

"I know you think that I'll think your existential crisis' reason is stupid, but I won't. I take it seriously. Every one of your problems. Just let me hear it." Phil waited a minute and then said "Or at least let me cuddle you. Can I?" 

Dan hesitated, but nodded. Phil changed his position, laid on the bed and opened his arms. Dan moved closer to him and rested his head on Phil's chest. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan and cuddled him. 

"Okay, no rush. You'll talk whenever you want, but I won't leave you here alone, I want you to know that" Phil whispered. 

They were lying like that almost twenty minutes. Phil was stroking Dan's head, the latter looked like a lost child. Dan's eyes were closed, breath was slow. He could hear a beat of Phil's heart. He thought that one day he won't be able to listen to this beautiful sound. He imagined the amount of pain he'd feel if he couldn't hug Phil, look at Phil, touch him or listen to the beating of his heart. He thought his existential crisis is nothing compared to this pain. There was too many thoughts in his head. 

"P-Phil" Dan's voice was trembling. 

"Yes?" Phil asked immediately. 

"I love you" 

"I love you too" 

Dan blinked to stop his tears. 

"I'm just so fucking scared" he said. "So scared. I don't know what to do, my thoughts are slowly killing me" he added, nervously chewing his lip. 

Phil sat down, grabbed Dan's arms and looked into his love's eyes. Dan didn't want to look at him, but he knew he had to. Tears started streaming down his face. 

"I feel weak" said Dan. "I don't want you to see me like that". 

"You aren't weak. Daniel James Howell, listen to me. You are not weak, you've never been. You didn't give up when you were alone and now you have me. Everybody has bad moments or annoying thoughts. It's normal. It's okay to cry, you need to throw your pain out. And I'm here to take it, put in the bag and destroy it, burn it." 

"Nice metaphor" Dan smirked a little. 

"Thanks, but you're the one who's the master of metaphors" Phil smiled, touched Dan's face and wiped his tears. "What are you afraid of, Dan?" he questioned and grabbed his boyfriend's hands. 

"I-I don't really know... Everything, I guess" he mumbled. 

"Hit me." 

"I'm scared of losing you" Dan frowned. "I feel like nothing makes sense. We smile and laugh a lot, we have a good time, we meet great people, it's a nice life, I guess. Yeah, it is, I know. It's not like I'm ungrateful. I appreciate everything, but..." 

"Yes?" Phil tilted his head in Dan's direction. 

"What's the point of all of this? One day it will just end. It wouldn't be such an issue, but… I love you. I love you so much. No one knows how happy I am that I have you in my life. I was so alone, I was a wreck and you saved me. You've made me think that my life matters, for the first time... It's an honour for me that I can spend time with you, look into your beautiful blue eyes and at your smile. I love the fact I can listen to your sexy voice and laugh at your clumsiness" he smirked. "I love that I can touch you, kiss you, cuddle you. I feel completely comfortable with you and you know, I could just sit with you on the couch and listen to Muse for the rest of my life, it could be the point of the life." Dan tossed his words without stopping. "But one day, I won't be able to listen to the beating of your heart or your breath. Or you won't be able to do that... One day everything's going to end. And I just can't accept that. Thinking about it destroys me. The fact I can do exactly nothing to be with you endlessly - kills me. Why someone gave me such a magnificent creature like you to love, if one day… Our love will be gone and no one will give a shit about it." 

Phil realized that Dan finished, but he couldn't move. He was squeezing Dan's hands, looking at him with slightly open mouth. Dan's face was covered in tears, his hair started to curly. He was looking like a sad puppy. For Phil he was still beautiful and incredibly cute. 

"Dan..." Phil's voice was weak. He coughed and tried again. "Dan. I love you so much. You are my sunshine...dressing like a funeral" he smirked. "I couldn't live without your brown eyes, hobbit hair, smile, stupid jokes or doing things ironically. Without your sarcasm or just without you being cute. I couldn't live without moments when you think I can't see how you look at me. You look at me with such a loving look. I know that. I couldn't live without you." Phil sighed and stroked Dan's cheek. "We can't think that one day everything will end. We're not allowed to do that. You once said we're humans with one life and it's up to us to make it the best life we can. Your words helped our viewers a lot, I'm sure of it. And I know you truly believe in what you said. You're just lost now. We live to love. I don't care how foolish it sounds. That's the truth. That's the point of life, bear. It's always love. In any kind of way. All the little things we do to show the love… These moments when you make a coffee for me, when you grab my hand because I'm close to fall down, when we're lost in the crowd and I find your eyes so you smile at me comfortingly, when you tell me I should bring my scarf because it's cold and you don't want me to be sick... I live for them. I want to hug you, kiss you, laugh and cry with you, dance, play video games, watch movies, do the radio show, drink milkshakes, look at the stars... I want to do with you so many things. That's what matters. Life is made up of little things. We can't think that we won't be able to do them one day. We have time, Dan. Let's enjoy the life, okay?" 

"How do you even live with me, I'm such a mess..." Dan said. He wasn't crying anymore yet he was still sad. 

"I don't know..." Phil replied. 

Dan rolled his eyes and let himself to smile a little. 

"Do you want to tell me something more?" Phil asked. 

"I'm just so scared, Phil. You say we have time, but what if we don't? What if something's going to happen tomorrow and..." 

"And you want to spend the time we have left on thinking about it instead of experiencing every little moment? You can't questioning everything all the time. You can't live like that. I am here, next to you." Phil hugged the younger boy tight. "See?" 

Dan nodded. He knew Phil's a keeper. 

"Don't be scared, because I'm here to protect you, okay, bear?" 

"I love when you call me like that." 

Phil grinned and slowly kissed Dan on his lips, then on his nose and forehead. 

"You know, I'm sometimes scared too" said Phil. 

"Of what?" Dan frowned. 

"Losing you, of course. But I already said what I think about it. There's something else..." he sighed. "There are moments when I'm afraid you'll need me or I'll need you, I don't know, we may need a hug or just to hold each other's hands but we won't be able to do that because..." 

"Did I just gave you my thoughts?" Dan asked, frightened. 

"No, no, let me finish. Because... someone may see it." Phil looked at Dan. His boyfriend seemed to be surprise or maybe concerned. "I know it sounds really stupid, but, you see, we keep our relationship in secret. And I know why, I don't want to change that, but sometimes I'm scared too, that's it. And I wanted you to know that. It's not a weakness, neither of us is weak. It's just a normal fear, but it's better to not think about it, don't make scenarios that may never happen". 

They were sitting in a silence for one or two minutes. 

"They'd go crazy" Dan whispered. 

"Huh?" 

"People. They notice everything. Every one of my looks at you, they interpret every smile and touch. If, for example, we felt like holding hands for a second while being live on the radio show or something and they could see it, they would go crazy. Pure madness" he giggled. 

"Yeah, probably." 

They were talking about it over hundred times so there was not need to do it again. They knew keeping their love in secret is the best way. They were tired of the amount of hate they were receiving. At the same time Dan and Phil were sure there would be a lot of people genuinely happy for them. People ship them, they even write about Phan's sex, but as long it's not confirmed, as long fans are quite calm. If they decided to come out… People would ask questions, people wouldn't understand everything. It's better for everyone to hide their relationship. 

"I don't want to show anyone how much I love you. Maybe it's illogical or something, maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't care. You're mine. They can imagine everything, they don't have to know what's true" said Dan. "But... If an accident happens, if they see something and if tumblr explodes because everyone shouts that Phan is real... I wouldn't panic. I wouldn't say it was a joke or something, not this time. So don't be afraid, Phil. Let's live how we live, but if you feel like kissing me in the middle of the London while meeting a bunch of fans, just do it, it's going to be okay, because we have each other." 

"Woah" said Phil, shocked. 

"Actually, don't do that last thing" Dan frowned and bit his lip. 

Phil started to laugh, grabbing his chest. Dan smirked and started to observe his boyfriend. When Phil's laugh stopped, Dan kissed him passionately. It was a long kiss full of emotions. Finally they had to stop as they couldn't breathe. Phil looked at his boyfriend like on a treasure. At this moment Dan's phone rang. He mumbled something similar to "ughhh" and answered without looking at phone's screen. 

"Hello?" he said and eyed Phil. "Yes, he's okay... Oh... Yes, you know, he's sleeping now, that's why he doesn't answer his phone. Yes, he'll be absolutely fine. I'll take care of him, Mrs. Lester. Sure, goodbye." Dan's eyebrows went up. Phil looked like a puppy which just did something wrong and it knows that Dan knows. "Phil?" 

"You want a cup of tea, Dan? I'll bring it..." he wanted to stand up, but Dan grabbed his hand. 

"Philip" Dan scowled. 

"Okay, okay! I told her I'm sick because I wanted to stay with you." 

"It's your mom's birthday, Phil! I'd be okay anyway..." 

"You're okay now, so I can go, I still have time. Nothing happened". 

"I guess..." 

"You said you'll take care of me" said Phil after a while. 

"Yeah, well, um, your mom asked me to do it" Dan stuttered out. 

"Come with me" Phil said unexpectedly. Dan opened his mouth, but didn't say anything. "Really" continued Phil "My parents like you". 

Dan smiled, twinkled and said "Phil, I'm okay now, you don't have to bring me everywhere with you, just go". 

"But-" 

"Existential crisis is over, damn. You want to take me with you to the toilet too? I'm not a child." he snorted, but smiled a little. 

"First of all - did you just compared visiting my parents to going to the toilet?" 

"What? I-" Dan blushed. 

"Seeecond of all - in the toilet you have One Direction to keep you company." Dan laughed. His laugh warmed Phil's heart. "And in the end... Come with me so we can tell my parents that we're together". He waited for Dan's reaction. Dan thought his boyfriend sounded very genuine, so he didn't ask if it's a joke. 

"Why now?" he asked instead. 

"Why not?" 

"Just... I don't know..." 

"Don't be stubborn. If you have a good reason for not doing it, just say it. But listen to me for a while. They like you. They know I care about you, but I'm still hiding that I love you... I wanted to tell you this a long time ago, but as we're having a deep conversation... I may say it now. I want them to know the truth. Is it a bad thing?" 

"No, it's not" Dan muttered. "You're right. If we live to love…" he smiled. "They deserve to know and to be happy for us, right?" he smiled, showing his teeth. "But what if they'll hate me…" he whispered. 

"They will not hate you, dumbo! You know them, come on. So, are we gonna do this?" 

"Yeah" Dan giggled and kissed Phil softly. He trusted him. Everything's going to be alright, as Phil said. 

"I'll go and make a cup of tea for you, okay, bear?" 

"Okay." Dan smiled as Phil went to the door. After a minute he could hear Phil bustled in the kitchen, almost breaking a mug. Dan giggled again. 

Phil may be clumsy. Phil may leave his door keys in France. Phil may be a person that squirrels find attractive to attack. But Phil's perfect for Dan. Phil's his keeper. 

"This is the man I fell in love with" he whispered to himself and he looked utterly satisfied with this fact.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this story please leave a comment or kudos, thank you! Also make sure to check out my other phanfics. :)


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